I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
