we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
