Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
