i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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