You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
