nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
