i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
