if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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