i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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