I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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