I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Randomize
