o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
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