I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
