we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Randomize
