I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Randomize
