i don't plan on having that self control this summer
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
