Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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