Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
