this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
