my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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