i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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