Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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