how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
