I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
