I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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