i need an iv and a liver transplant
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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