Don't make out with my wife yet
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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