when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Let's paint friendship bongs
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm both gender and math confused
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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