I can text with my tongue
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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