I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
