Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
