I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
