I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
