he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
