You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
