You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
