FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
