How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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