Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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