So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
