Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
