just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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