he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
