Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
What happened to fro yo and sex?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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