Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
