According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
