mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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