life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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