Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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