I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
