my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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